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Wanna buy a bridge? No strings attatched! Just don't look at the contract, make your check payable to "Cash", and remember. I don't have a phone number.
A lawyer sits down next to an engineer on a plane flight. The engineer seems to be staring out the window out of boredom.
"Hello there. You seem to look bored. I have a proposition for you."
The engineer doesn't bother to turn to him.
"You ask me a question. If I don't get the right answer, I'll give you 100 dollars. Then I ask you a question, and if you don't get the right answer, you give me 100 dollars."
The engineer looks at him blankly and then turns back towards the window.
A little while later, the lawyer decides to try again. "Okay fine. If I don't get the right answer, I'll give you 1000 dollars, whereas you only have to give me 100 if you miss yours."
The engineer turns around. "Very well then. Ask away."
"What is the 4th clause of the 22nd amendment of the Constitution of the United States of America?"
The engineer reaches in his wallet and pulls out a 100 dollar bill and gives it to the lawyer. "Okay, here's my question. What walks on 3 legs, sleeps on 5, and runs on 1?"
The lawyer thought and thought. He opened his laptop, did research on the internet. Called his friends using the plane phones.
Several hours later, the lawyer throws his hands up in the air and says, "I give up. I don't know." He passes over 1000 dollars to the engineer who then proceeds to place them in his wallet. "So what walks on 3 legs, sleeps on 5, and runs on 1?"
The engineer reaches for his wallet, and gives the lawyer 100 dollars and continues looking out the window
A person is standing beside a mechanic as his car is being towed in to the body shop with leaves dirt and grass all over it. So the Mechanic asks,"What did you do to your car?" The person answers,"Oh, I ran over my lawyer." The mechanic looks at the car again and asks,"OK, but why is your car full of twigs and grass and stuff like that?" The person answers,"I had to chase him through the park"
A man was walking down the beach and spotted a bronze oil lamp sticking from the sand. He walks over to pick it up and rubs the oil lamp.
Out comes this cloud of smoke which forms into a humanoid shape.
The genie says, "Greetings."
The man says, "Oh good! Does this mean I get 3 wishes?!"
The genie replies, "Well, I'm an apprentice genie, so you only get one. What do you wish?"
The man says, "Well I've always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I'm afraid of flying. Could you build me a bridge that goes all the way from California to Hawaii?"
The genie crosses his arms and says, "A bridge?! You know the logistics of that?! Think about how many tons of concrete it would take to build something like that!? Please, give me an easier task."
The man says, "Oh well.. okay then. well, ever since I was a child, I always wondered what it would be like to be able to understand women in their entirety."
The genie responds, "Would you like that bridge in two lanes or four?"
What's black and white, black and white, black and white?
A priest falling downstairs.
How many dirty stinking apes does it take to change a light bulb?
One dirty stinkin ape to screw in the light bulb and two dirty stinking apes to throw feces at each other.
What is red and green and goes 100 miles an hour?
A frog in a blender
What is brown and sticky? A stick. What is green and sticky? A green stick.
Why do ducks have webbed feet? To stamp out fires. Why do elephants have big feet? To stamp out flaming ducks.
Did you hear about the giant with diarrhea?
You didn't?! It's all over town
"118 Things Not to say to a police officer:
1. Man, I have no idea how fast I was goin'!
2. Can you hand me your gun?
3. Care for a doughnut?
4. Whatever you do, don't search my trunk.
5. What exactly is "legally drunk"?
6. So, what's a good bribe go for around here?
7. I hope you realize you're about to ruin a perfect record.
8. Okay, so I was speeding and I let you catch me - how about
best of three?
9. If I were you I'd let me go!
10. Met your quota? Happy now?
11. I want your badge number and your superior officer's name
12. You should give the ticket to my d**n unreliable cruise
13. Speeding is an abstract concept, don't you think?
14. If I had known you were there I would never have been going that fast!
15. When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"
16. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
17. When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
18. If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to...
19. Touch him.
20. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.
21. Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
22. Refer to him by his first name.
23. Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
24. When he says no, cry.
25. If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
26. If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.
27. If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.
28. When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way.
29. When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first."
30. Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, 'cause you don't like ink on your fingers.
31. After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name."
32. Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one.
33. When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.
34. When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"
35. Trip and fall into him.
36. Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
37. Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.
38. Chew on the pen, nervously.
39. Clean your ear with the pen.
40. If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.
41. Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar...
42. Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.
43. Act like you are retarded.
44. When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.
45. Or mumble to yourself.
46. When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE?
47. Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm... only 5 of you here tonight...
48. Ask if they know how to make the donuts.
49. When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours!
50. Ask if he watches Cops.
51. Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.
52. Giggle if he did.
53. Talk to your hand.
54. Ask if he knows someone named Rosy Palm and her Five favourite Friends.
55. Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does.
56. When he frisks you, say you missed a spot, and grin.
57. When he asks to inspect your car, say there is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it.
58. Try to sell him your car.
59. Ask if you can buy his car.
60. If he takes you to the station, Ask to sit in front.
61. Play with the siren.
62. If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.
63. If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner.
64. Oops... I meant OVER for dinner.
65. Ask if he ever had pu-tang.
66. If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.
67. If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.
68. When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.
69. When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.
70. Turn your head and whistle.
71. When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that.
72. If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date.
73. If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.
74. Ask if you can see his gun.
75. When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger.
76. Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colours!"
77. Tell him you like men in uniform.
78. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.
79. Course I'm pissed officer, d'you think I'd drive like this if I was sober.
80. Hey a**hole! Buckle UP!
81. Officer, if I weren't so drunk right now i'd get out of this truck and kick your a**.
82. (After receiving a ticket) Thanks a lot, Officer F*ckhead!
83. Is that a baton in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me.
84. I was just on my way to your sisters house.
85. Say, officer, isn't that your mom standing around on the corner?
86. Are you just mad at me 'cause you couldn't go to college?
87. You can't do that, this isn't my car!
88. You look a little slow today, what, one too many doughnuts?
89. I normally keep all that junk right here (pointing to the dash board), but you see, this isn't my car, and uh, right! This isn't my beer either!
90. I dare ya to arrest me!
91. Ha ha! I got your guu-uun! (long on gun as in a mocking tone)
92. Bet ya can't keep up with me now that you're on foot! (and drive away)
93. Can i borrow that pen? Thanks, just wanna break it so ya can't write me up!
94. Go to hell and have a nice day! (after tearing up ticket)
95. Could ya leave me alone for a sec? I just want to finish this beer.
96. Hey! That's my beer!
97. Leave me alone! Go eat some doughnuts or something
98. No officer! That beer is Ralph's. No, he's sitting right there! Don't ya see him?
99. 60 mph in a 30 mph area? Could you put down 70 - I'm trying to sell the car.
100. Yes, officer I saw your flashing lights, but you didn't seem to be catching me, so I assumed you were after someone else.
101. Hey, you must'a been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me!
102. Sorry, officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
103. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical
condition to be a police officer.
104. Excuse me, but is "stick up" hyphenated?
105. Hi officer, do you mind holding my beer while I find my driver's license?
106. You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
107. Bad cop! No donut!
108. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around, that's how far I am behind the other cars.
109. You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you?
110. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked last week on "COPS"?
111. I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket.
112. So, uh, you "on the take" or what?
113. Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer
yesterday only gave me a warning too!
114. Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does.
115. So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little?
116. Hey is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.
117. When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile pretty for the video camcorder.
118. Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
If AOL Built Cars
1. The AOL car would have a TOP speed of 40 MPH yet have a 200 MPH speedometer.
2. The AOL car would come equipped with a NEW and fantastic 8-Track tape player.
3. The car would often refuse to start and owners would just expect this and try again later.
4. The windshield would have an extra dark tint to protect the driver from seeing better cars.
5. AOL would sell the same model car year after year and claim it's the NEW model.
6. Every now and then the brakes on the AOL car would just "lock-up" for no apparent reason.
7. The AOL car would have a very plain body style but would have lots' of pretty colors and lights.
8. The AOL car would have only one door but it would have 5 extra seats for family members.
9. Anyone dissatisfied could return the car but must continue to make payments for 6 months.
10. If an AOL car owner received 3 parking tickets AOL would take the car from them.
11. The AOL car would have an AOL Cell phone that can only place calls to other AOL car cell phones.
12. AOL would pass a new car law forbidding AOL car owners from driving near other car dealerships.
13. AOL car mechanics would have no experience in car repair.
14. Younger AOL car drivers would be able to make other peoples AOL cars stall just for fun.
15. It would not be possible to upgrade your AOL car stereo.
16. AOL cars would be forced to use AOL gas that cost 20% more and gave worse mileage.
17. Anytime an AOL car owner saw another AOL car owner he would wonder, M/F/age?
18. It would be common for AOL car owners to divorce just to marry another AOL car owner.
19. AOL car owners would always claim to be older or younger than they really are.
20. AOL cars would come with a steering wheel and AOL would claim no other cars have them.
21. Every time you close the door on the AOL car it would say, "Good-Bye ."